By Vince Morabito

Sen. John McCain recently promised that if he is elected president, he will chase terrorist kingpin Osama bin Laden "to the gates of Hell".

That would be nice, but I've never heard of Hell to have gates.  I always thought that those that were condemned to the Underworld were dropped screaming into a lake of fire, not ushered in through a series of checkpoints,  like gates.

I will concede that Heaven has gates. Shiny, pearly ones, in fact. You just don't walk into Heaven like you own the place, even if you've made it there.

But Hell has no gates. I've never been there, having come only as close as listening to Rush Limbaugh, but it really is not logical to believe that once you are condemned to eternal damnation, you have to be screened before entering.. What is Hell--an airport?

The U.S. military, struggling to meet its recruitment quotas while fighting two wars and possibly a third by the end of the year, is accepting high school dropouts and convicted felons. The Devil is even more accommodating. He will take anybody.

Well, except for maybe Karl Rove.
He might be a bit overqualified.

And then we have the part about chasing. Sen. McCain said if he has to personally chase Mr. bin Laden to those gates, he will do it.  A 71-year-old presidential candidate vs a 6'6 terrorist, some 25 years his junior,  in a footrace to the finish. Pass the popcorn.

The colorful, descriptive and applause-inciting soundbites sound good, but could we please  have a little specifics for our brave soldiers to work with?

Let's not get into the habit of making threats that are full of unintentionally amusing hyperbole. When I was in the Navy, Libyan strongman Muammar Khadafy, whose country still has no navy except for perhaps a few tugboats and canoes,  threatened to sink my ship, the nuclear-powered aircraft carrier USS Dwight D. Eisenhower, and create "a sea of American blood". All we could do was laugh.

And correct me if I'm wrong, or chase me to the gates of Hell, but "Wanted: Dead or Alive" and "Bring 'em On" didn't exactly work wonders for the current lame-duck administration, did it?